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Hearing - you noticed a sound.

Listening - you made an effort to understand that sound and find its meaning.

 

Yes, there is a distinction and it’s important.  Pay attention because many conversations go awry because of this distinction.

 

In some circles, listening properly, as I would call it, is referred to as active listening.  In the simplest terms, it means you have understood the message and have retained it, and if you are in a one-to-one conversation, the speaker feels that she or he has been heard and acknowledged.

 

A few suggestions to improve listening skills:

  • Consciously tell yourself that you are switching on and listening
  • Reduce or eliminate distractions such as mobile phones and background noise from TVs, radios etc.
  • Refrain from jumping to solutions, suggestions or rebuttals
  • Observe the speaker’s body language
  • Re-state what you think you have heard in your own words
While our ears are switched on all the time, our listening skills aren’t.  It takes practice.  If you want to improve communication, reduce conflict and frustration, then start by practising your listening skills.

Abide by the “two ears, one mouth” rule – listen more and talk less!

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Coach Mi definition

motivation - a strong, persistent desire to act

The word “self” is redundant because there is no other kind of motivation.  All motivation comes from within.  If you are motivated by something external, it’s not motivation, it’s coercion.

 

Something external – someone or an event can start the process for you and break or drag you out of inertia but it stops there if you have no motivation.  If you are hoping for external motivation, you may be waiting a long time.

Motivation

Motivation by steve heath, via Flickr

So what can you do if you don’t have any and you want some?  Without going into the why you are lacking  motivation, perhaps one of the fastest short cuts is to fake it.

 

Pretend you have motivation.  Imagine you were motivated, what would it be like?  How would it feel?  What would you do?  Let your imagination do some work. If you come up with things that you would do if you were motivated, then write that list down.  You now have your “to-do” list.

 

Now, pick one item on this list and spend 10 minutes doing it.

Yes, I know it’s fake.  The point of this exercise to fool your body and mind into feeling motivated and at the very least get you started.  I’m being your external event.  Now it’s your turn to stay motivated.

~~~~~

p.s. For a longer term fix, you need to identify the why i.e. why lack of motivation is an issue and address the root cause.

 

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For some reason, negativity seems to be more contagious that positivity.  We seem to be drawn to the negative, the depressing rather than the positive and uplifting.  I was part of a group  feedback session once and noticed that the person receiving the feedback had received three times as much positive feedback than she had negative but couldn’t help herself from hanging on to the negative.

 

It seems that we are programmed to be more sensitive to negative feedback, so we hear it louder and clearer, but this isn’t necessarily better.  If you want less negativity in your life, then start doing something about it today.

Insanity – doing something over and over again but expecting a different result

 

Tip #1 – Be conscious

Be conscious about wanting a change.  No more wishy-washiness about your intentions.  Many people say they want to change but subconsciously sabotage themselves.

 

Tip #2 – Acknowledge the positive role that negativity has played

Negativity has served you at some point in time.  Perhaps it has provided caution when facing risks and the caution paid off.  Perhaps it has been a defence mechanism that has kept you from getting hurt. Strange as it may sound, if you acknowledge the part that negativity has played, it will be easier for you to let it go.

 

Tip #3 – Eliminate sources of negativity

Stay away from negative people.  If you must interact with them, then stand up to their negativity.  Most of us, for fear of being impolite, just swallow what is served to us.  In the case of negative people, you become the sponge that absorbs their negativity so unless you have a way of purging yourself of the negativity, imagine what this is doing to you!  7 tips to dealing with negative people from Zen Habits has some useful suggestions.

 

Tip #4 – Re-focus, re-frame, change your thinking

Sometimes negativity comes from events and things rather than people.  I recall a time when I was having battles with the household laundry.  Each time I hung out a load of washing, I would feel a burst of resentment.  It was never-ending.  Interminable.  It seems obvious now that it was just plain stupid to get worked up about something that small and mundane, but I did and it affected my overall mood and my mindset.

I realised eventually that I had the power to do something about it so I chose to re-focus and re-frame.  I looked at my children’s clothes and thought how about much I loved them.  I looked at my husband’s clothes and wondered at the amazing meals he cooks for us daily.  I played some soothing meditation music while I folded the clothes. I am not going to say that I now love the laundry because I don’t but it is no longer a source of negative energy.

 

Tip #5 – Change your environment

I probably made the laundry story sound a bit too easy but there was more to it.  Positive thinking is good in theory but if you can also change your environment, you give yourself a better chance for making it work. In my example, I hadn’t mentioned that part of the problem was a child who was still wetting his bed, so on top of the extra sheets to wash, there was the interrupted sleep to deal with as well.  I could have waited until he outgrew this stage but clearly, I’m not that zen!!   Solution?  Back into pull-ups.  That small change in my environment halved the laundry, helped me reclaim my sleep and gave the whole “re-framing” process better odds of working.

 

My example was deliberately chosen for it’s mundane-ness because it’s usually with the small things that you can make the most impact and in changing the small things, you practise new skills and new ways of thinking which you can then apply to bigger things.  Small changes lead to bigger changes.

 

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Related articles

Coach Mi Definition:

Explanation - A reason for why something happened.  A process to help the listener understand.

Excuse – An attempt at an explanation, but with the aim of absolving self or others from responsibility.

Do you offer explanations or excuses?  To the listener, an excuse usually has a hollowness to it, a lack of believability.  So if you’re not sure whether you are giving an explanation or an excuse, put yourself in the shoes of a listener.

 

By all means explain, but do take responsibility!

 

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If you really believe in this saying, you’d be a masochist.  Think about it.

 

People use this phrase to push themselves or others through tough times, to motivate and encourage but realistically how can pain motivate?  I think this belief may be the cause of many failures.

 

 

I believe that pain can lead to growth but is not necessary for growth.  So it’s completely counter-productive to think of pain and gain in the same sentence.  Thinking of troubles and pain will only flatten and de-motivate you, stopping you in your tracks.  Instead, think of the smoothest and most rewarding path to achieving your goals.

 

Question some of the beliefs that you have carried around with you (like this “no pain, no gain” belief) and ask if they are having a positive impact right now.  If they aren’t, shed them.

 

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Some of you might wonder how I could follow the Brain that Changes Itself with something as fluffy as this.  Well, sometimes it pays to be open-minded.  A book like this wouldn’t ordinarily catch my interest because I don’t like stereotypes and I particularly dislike “being” stereotyped but the title “…. and women can’t read maps” was a glaring challenge to me.  Top that off with the marketing claim of “over 6 million copies sold”, I felt obliged to give it a go.

 

This book tries to justify stereotypes with science.  When I’m feeling generous, I think it does a passable attempt and at other times, I think it fails miserably.  These were the occasions when I wondered why I was wasting my time reading it.

 

What do you see in this picture?  The young lady with her face turned away or the old woman with her chin tucked in?

Apparently, women are more likely to see the old lady and men the young woman.  This was the first of many generalisations that didn’t work for me.  I saw the young lady.

 

The other things that didn’t resonate were:

  • Women have a wider peripheral vision – I have lousy peripheral vision
  • Men offering solutions instead of listening – I’ve been frustrated by many women who’ve done exactly that
  • Men using language like “never”, “none”, “absolutely” – again, I’ve often heard these words from women (myself included!)
  • Women can’t read maps without turning it around – I can very easily read a map without turning it around

 

There was a test in the book that was supposed to help determine how male or how female your brain was.  As with many of my experiments, I recruited my husband to do the test.  It seems most males score between 0-180 and females between 150-300.  My husband scored 150 and I scored 140.  With this sort of result, it would be easy to conclude that I have a “male” brain hence my lack of resonance with the examples in the book.  However, there were many female traits that did describe me including:

  • Having poor hand/eye co-ordination and therefore not excelling at sports – Computer games were included as an example but this didn’t apply to me
  • Not being able to find “north” – Very true!
  • Being emotional –   This was particularly difficult in corporate life.  Very un-CEO-like!
  • Needing to talk to process thoughts.

 

I finished the book but must admit that I had to skim parts to get through it.  This book will work for those who relate to the examples given but it didn’t work for me.  While “understanding” why you are different is a key component to better communication, I would have liked to see more about how to bridge these differences.  There’s no point knowing and understanding you are different if you still can’t get your message across!

 

If you are really interested in why people and not just those of the opposite gender are different to you, I highly recommend an exploration into the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI).  The MBTI is a personality test that does a far better job in explaining differences and is particularly useful when like myself, you don’t fall into a “stereotype”.  As a personal interest area, I intend to write a bit more about the MBTI in future posts.

 

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I am old enough to remember a time before emails, sms, Facebook, Twitter etc. and something has been bothering me for a while. It’s to do with our manners.

 

I remember as a child waiting weeks for letters from pen pals but these days, flurries of emails are exchanged in a matter of minutes.  Everything travels so fast today, it’s hard to imagine that waiting for a response used to be the norm.  So my question is this – since we can send our communications faster, is it reasonable to expect a response faster as well?

 

I used to think that when messages were left on the phone, people would return calls on the same day if they could.  If they didn’t return your call, it was either because they were away or something terrible had happened.  Lately, this doesn’t seem to be the rule anymore.  People decide whether the call was important and make a decision about whether they will fit in to their busy schedules and in that decision is an implicit judgment about how important you are to them.

 

What rules then apply to communications such as email?  If you have a desk job, someone who sends you an email knows that in all likelihood, you’ve received their email.  If you have a Blackberry or iPhone, you’ve almost definitely got the email.  How do you make a decision about when to respond?

 

So much junk floats around online that it seems we may be finding it harder to discern what should be important from what’s not.

 

Excuses

Have you used any of the following excuses for not returning calls and emails?

“I meant to respond, but didn’t get round to it”

“I’ve been really busy”

“I didn’t get your message”

 

Really?

TIP #1 – If you aren’t able to respond to emails within 24 hours, acknowledge the email so that the sender knows you’ve received it and set expectations about when you will get back to them.  A simple “Thanks.  I will look into it and get back to you” will take mere seconds.

 

Without doubt, some of these excuses are genuine but as more and more of our lives move online, our activities are also getting more transparent.  So when you tell someone that you were too busy to return their call or email, consider that they may know you weren’t too busy to post a Facebook update!

 

I think this issue has implications not just for our personal lives but how we conduct ourselves in work and in business.  It has implications for credibility, trust and reliability so think carefully about whether these things matter to you.

 

TIP #2 – Consider using an autoresponder if necessary

So what do you think?  Have our manners gone down the toilet or have the rules changed?

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I stumbled upon this story yesterday and was moved by its simplicity and relevance.

The Touchstone

Author Unknown

 

When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers.

 

The book wasn’t very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the “Touchstone”!

 

The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.

 

So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles.

 

He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold – throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.

 

The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about midafternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along, he still threw it away.

 

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are vigilant, it’s easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it’s just as easy to throw it away.

 

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I was recently chatting with a friend about difficulties getting Treasurer roles in community organisations filled.  She was playing with the idea of  getting a university student or even a Year 12 student into the role in her organisation.  I admit my initial reaction was “oh, I’m not sure about that”.  I baulked at the thought of handing over such responsibility to an 18 year old.  Was I falling into stereotypes and biases?  I had to catch myself, step back and allow the benefits of the idea to slowly break through my resistance.

 

The idea has merits.  Obviously, you would choose the individual with care – someone responsible, keen to learn, and for younger candidates, ensure parental support.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving someone great expectations to live up to.

 

I draw on my own experience of being in Australia for the first time as an 18 year old student.  My parents entrusted me with an entire year’s living expenses (about $10,000) and the only direction I was given was “make it last until the end of the year.  That’s all there is.”  The following year, my sister joined me and I was entrusted with $30,000 to last both of us the following two years.  Those with good mental maths will note that I had to make the money stretch further this time!

 

 

When I reflect on this, there is still a part of me that feels that what they did was “unthinkable”.  How could they possible trust a 18/19 year old with so much money.  If I had blown it, that would have been the end of our education.  Most of my friends’ parents took a more conservative approach and sent funds on a periodic basis.  I recall that there were often S.O.S calls for more.

 

Some time ago, I asked my mother how they (my parents) made that decision and she replied that alternatives had not occurred to her.  I am not sure whether I was satisfied with that response.  So, there hadn’t been much thought given to the enormity of the decision – the risk, the expectations, but that didn’t change the fact that I had expectations to live up to.

 

So, my hypothesis is this :-

Give someone expectations to live up to (with genuine trust and belief) and they SHOULD live up to it.

Lower your expectations and they WILL live down to those expectations.

 

Which parts of your life or behaviour are a result of lowered expectations?  Find them, change those expectations and allow yourself to live up to it!
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We are all guilty of procrastination in some shape or form, at one time or another, but some of us more than others.  If you are reading this article, then procrastination must be having some impact on your life.  Are you serious about beating procrastination or looking or more excuses to justify why you procrastinate?  If you fall in the latter category, please stop reading.  If you are serious, here are my top tips for combating procrastination:

 

Tip #1 – Understand your procrastination

Is your procrastination habitual or does it only rear its head when it comes to a particular task or issue?  If you can’t answer this question, start a log.  Identify the times that you procrastinate and the circumstances surrounding it.  Any patterns that you can identify should give you a starting point.

Are you in a self-destructive cycle that looks something like the diagram below?  If so, you probably know how damaging your procrastination has become.

 

Whatever reasons you identify, there is a good chance the reason is fear based.  It is worth acknowledging that unless you tackle it, the fear isn’t going away.  So hopefully, the next few tips will help.

 

Tip #2 – Break larger task into smaller ones

If the object of your procrastination is a large, overwhelming task, break the tasks into smaller ones, then set yourself a goal of completing at least one of these smaller tasks.  What this tip is trying to achieve is momentum.  If you can complete some smaller related tasks, momentum will hopefully propel you forward towards completion.  To add fuel to this process, set short timeframes for these smaller tasks eg. 10-30 minutes (whatever you think is achievable and appropriate), then challenge yourself to complete the task within this timeframe.  Tackle the easiest task first to reduce resistance.

 

Tip #3 – Recruit a Procrastination Buddy

If you procrastinate on a regular or recurring task, get a procrastination buddy.  Ask them to keep you accountable.  This works like a gym buddy.

 

Tip #4 – Use Affirmations

If you have been procrastinating for a long time, you may recognise the “devil” on your shoulder that talks you into procrastinating.  ”It’s too hard”, “I’ll do it later”, “I’ll get to it after I finish something else”, “It’s not that important”.  This negative “self-talk” is very influential as it is usually repeated many times.  The repetition makes it believable and works like a charm.

So, to combat this, recognise it when it happens and consciously change the words when they occur i.e. let the “angel” on the other shoulder do some work.  ”It’s too hard as it is but if I break it down…..” etc.  Make sure your positive affirmations outnumber the negative ones.  Try this – for every negative statement you make, craft five positive ones.

 

Tip #5 – Stop using labels

Most procrastinators label themselves as such.  Using this label sets you up for failure so stop using it yourself and don’t permit others to stick the label on you, well, at least not within earshot!

Check whether there are other self-limiting labels used in the areas that you procrastinate e.g. “I’m not good at finances” which keeps you from doing your budget.

 

Tip #6 – Push through anxiety

Even when you implement some of these strategies, you may still face discomfort and anxiety.  This is normal and instead of giving up, push through it.  When you feel anxiety welling, take several deep breaths, breathing out slowly.  Do this every time you feel anxiety and persist with the task at hand. 

Procrastination - Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there

 

Tip #7 – Remove distractions

Ensure that your environment is optimised for success (success =  not procrastinating).  If you know that the TV or radio potentially distracts you from completing a task, then turn it off before you even start.  If you are distracted by noise, don’t test your procrastination resistance in a noisy office.  Find a quiet room that you can use.  Whatever your potential distractions, you probably know them better than anyone else, so remove them.  However, be careful not to allow “distraction removal” to become the cause of your procrastination!

 

Tip #8 – It doesn’t need to be perfect

Not all perfectionists procrastinate but perfectionism is very often used as an excuse for fear of failure.  In most cases, the task at hand doesn’t need to be perfect.  Perfection is a self-imposed requirement.  If you fall into this category, examine the consequences of completing the task to 80%, 90% or 95% and if the consequences are minimal, let it go.  This process is bound to be anxiety-laden so read Tip #6.

 

Tip #9 – Address health issues

This might seem like a strange tip for a procrastination article but this is close to home for me and therefore worth a mention.  Sometimes, lack of motivation looks like procrastination and sometimes lack of motivation has underlying health causes e.g. fatigue.  In my case, it is extreme low blood pressure which, untreated, keeps me tired all the time.  When you are tired, fatigued or depressed, very little energy is left to fight procrastination.  So, be aware of this as a possibility if none of the above tips seem to resonate, but as always take care not to use this as another excuse!

 

These tips should point you in the right direction but ultimately, if your desire to address your procrastination isn’t strong enough, you will be fighting a losing battle.  If there are any deeper issues that need to be addressed, don’t ignore them.

 

Do you have any procrastination-busting tips that you would like to share?

 

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